So, here I sit at 32.  I think this past birthday bothered me a lot more than the big 3-0.  There are multiple reasons for this of course, but the main one is that both my biological grandmother and mother died at this age. Both died from causes which are not genetic and do not affect me in the slightest, but here I sit.  I have absolutely no reason to believe I won't see 33, but it has gotten me thinking about 32 years as a lifetime.  The thought is completely baffling to me.  There are so many things I have yet to experience, goals to accomplish, and kids to see grow.  I won't lie and say there isn't some sort of weird anxiety, but I think in some ways it is a gift to have this perspective.  As much as I have experienced death in my life, I do appreciate the fact that I am here and  still moving forward.  Even if it is inch by inch.

Now that F is in school, I have been looking for a job.  It is a bit disconcerting that on paper, I look like I have been sitting on my ass for the past few years.  The years of school, events, late night baking, vintage shops, side jobs, parenting, planning and dreaming don't really translate into much in the career world.  This is terribly unfortunate, because they are my most prized achievements (other than my family, of course ) to date.  It is hard to be 32 and entertain the idea of a job doing something other than the one thing you want to. J and I live food, and the idea that someday we will be able to pursue our passion full on,  is what gets us through the lulls.

There have been so many changes already this year.  Initially, I thought I would settle in and coast until my next birthday.  I realized that this was completely absurd and that I have the opportunity to make this a really stellar 12 months (it's that whole perspective thing again) and be positive.  I would love to say I believe all of our hard work will pay off and we will attain a restaurant, or at least get paid to cook / bake full time, but who knows?  Our lives are generally more like a ridiculous sitcom than a romantic comedy or fairy tale, so probably not.  But maybe.

I can say that although 32 doesn't look so great on paper, I am pretty happy with where I sit.  G and F are the two most amazing kids.  I couldn't even dream anything as fantastic as being their mom.  And I am lucky enough to be married to my best friend.  We are going on 10 years together, and not only do I love J more now than ever before, but I am really proud of our relationship. We have grown together over the years and it just keeps getting better.

It really is easy to be pessimistic and look at all the things I don't have or haven't accomplished, but sometimes it's good to sit and reflect on the good stuff.  Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not always a ray of sunshine.  Far from it, in fact.  I am just learning to appreciate right now.

Bird and Cleaver