Woolgathering // Polar Express

       It won't even officially be winter for months and the weather is already kicking my ass. I would surmise, that anyone from the Mid-West over the age of 12 has some ingrained defensive mechanism which automatically kicks in when things begin to turn brown and freeze over. A daily ritual or some intense serotonin boosting activity, to keep oneself from totally losing it. We all have our ways of dealing with this time of year. But it's not just the weather that does it. Is it?

       It's that feeling, that it's over. At least for this year. No sun. No one wants to be outside. Work is slow. Everything is slow. Money is tighter.  We are less inclined to make the effort towards anything beyond the bookshelf and the refrigerator. Hibernation in imminent. It's that winter blues I am talking about.

     It happens every year. It just seems like this year it's going to be especially taxing. Perhaps, it is just my defeatist tendencies coming through. However, I feel a sense of urgency much greater than in years past to make, as L calls it, "The push". Pushing past the monotony of  the proclamations we lean on to get us by. *Sigh*

      Now I have gotten to that point. The part in the rant where I have to trudge forward and vocalize my frustrations or wrap it up in a tidy (and admittedly, often corny) fashion. Well, here it is.

    The cold is depressing, and I am depressed. For real. Yeah, I am chipper and mostly engaged. But it definitely comes at a price sometimes. Like when I sit still. When I have time to acknowledge that I really could fall asleep at 3 in the afternoon. Or when I fixate on the realities of living paycheck to paycheck. That's when shit caves in.

      This is why I have been trying to keep it tidy when I write lately. Sparse and slightly lackluster have definitely been my style . Motivation has really not been on my side.

     What has been on my side is other people. The nice thing is that they really didn't know they were doing me a favor. Just being able to hear other people be candid about how much things can suck, is sometimes all the push you need.

      Living for right now. Remembering that I am not the only one. This is where I've been.